i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You left your phone here
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