cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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