Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need a beard to bite.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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