i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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