Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
