We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
