if i can run in heels then i can drive
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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