I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
