i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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