can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
