Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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