Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
