Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
