It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
