For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
