I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
