You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
