my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
as a side note pls kill me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
