It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
