Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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