Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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