it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
