mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
