wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
