ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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