Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
