I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
