i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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