My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
