you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
