Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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