Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
