just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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