Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
