In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
