some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
