This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
