theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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