I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm really into asian looking animals
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
