So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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