Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
