Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
