Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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