last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
