Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
false alarm. still invincible.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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