failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
