I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
