i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
