I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
