genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
