NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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